


The Cruelty of Illusion

by SorrowsFlower



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Identity Reveal, Lena Luthor Finds Out Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Virtual Reality, post-reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-07 13:10:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20817827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SorrowsFlower/pseuds/SorrowsFlower
Summary: This is wrong. She knows she shouldn’t. This will just make reality harder to accept, will just make the pain worse after.But it’s so very close to what Lena hasn’t allowed herself to want all these years. It’s so true to the illusion Lena has kept locked in a box for so long because she knew it could never happen.And Lena is weak, and her weakness makes itself known in the way she smiles at this copy of Kara, threading her fingers through strong ones. The other woman smiles back in relief."This is perfect."





	1. The First of All Pleasures

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a post I reblogged on [tumblr](https://missluthorwillseeyounow.tumblr.com/post/187154999388/emiliarowan-wonderswoman-a-concept) and was inspired by a reblog of that gifset. I post most of what I write there, and I really should be better about moving stuff here.

_Illusion is the first of all pleasures. - Voltaire_

_Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead.... - Sigmund Freud_

//

Lena passes a hand over her eyes and waits. It doesn’t take long at all. The first to return is her sense of smell, and she detects the sugary sweet scent of baked goods, and the inexplicable scent of morning sunlight that Lena has only ever associated with two things: Her birth mother - the way she used to dry their clothes outside in the morning so that they would smell like the sun - and Kara.

By the time she opens her eyes again, she already knows where she is.

It’s startlingly accurate, the simulation, and it’s captured every single aspect of Kara’s apartment, right down to Kara’s clothes haphazardly strewn across the couch, and her green “leafy dependents” sitting on the windowsill.

Then again, Lena really shouldn’t be surprised, after all she did help create this program. She knows how intuitive it is, how it reacts to the data collected from each individual user.

But all her work on the programming doesn’t prepare her for the subtle differences in Kara’s apartment that the simulation is showing her.

It’s not just Kara’s clothes littering her apartment. Lena’s tan coat is hanging on a hook behind the door, and her favorite Jimmy Choos are lying on the floor, as if she’d toed them off at the end of a hard day and left them there. Lena’s dove-grey cashmere throw is draped neatly over Kara’s couch, as if it belongs there. The original Klimt that usually hangs in Lena’s hotel penthouse is now hanging in Kara’s living room. 

At least three new potted plants have been added to Kara’s collection, and Lena can clearly see the small card beside one bearing Lena’s lip print and the words “Happy 3rd Anniversary!”

Lena herself is wearing a worn, comfortable NCU sweater that she recognizes as Kara’s, and she discreetly pulls the collar up to her nose, inhaling deeply. It smells like sunlight, vanilla, lavender and something sharp she can’t identify, and it’s like a shock to Lena’s system.

God, it smells _exactly_ like Kara, and Lena curses the simulation for being so realistic.

“Lena!”

An excited exclamation jolts Lena out of her reverie, and she immediately, guiltily, pulls her face out of Kara’s sweater.

“You went to Noonan’s!” Kara appears at the doorway, clad in her cute pajamas, with an equally adorable expression of glee on her face. Lena can only stare as the simulation of her best friend approaches the counter and peers into the pink box at the end of the counter. She squeals with delight at what she finds.

“Sticky buns!”

Instead of immediately biting down into the bun as Kara usually does, VR Kara places the bun on a paper towel and rips it in half. Lena frowns, because that’s usually _her_ habit, but Kara tears the bun in half in a practiced move, popping one half into her own mouth and devouring it with an appreciative hum.

To Lena’s surprise, VR Kara then steps in close and hands her the other half of the bun with a gleaming smile.

“See, this is why I married you.” With a giggle, Kara leans forward and presses a kiss to a frozen Lena’s cheek.

Stunned, Lena wordlessly accepts the half of sticky bun that Kara has pressed into her hands, even as her cheeks flame and her hands turn clammy.

“Thanks for taking the day off today. I know we’ve both been so busy, and I’ve missed you so much. I feel like I haven’t seen you in months.” Long arms wind around her, warm and comforting, and the scent of sunlight, vanilla and lavender surrounds her, not just from Kara’s sweater, but from the real thing herself.

Or as close as she can get to the real thing.

The thought makes Lena stiffen, but VR Kara is already pulling away with a sweet smile. “Let me just get changed, then we can head over to Alex and Kelly’s for brunch.”

Kara bounds off before Lena can stop her, leaving Lena still frozen in the kitchen.

She stares at Kara’s disappearing back with a curious mixture of guilt, awed disbelief and an aching hunger spreading out from her chest to the pit of her stomach.

This is wrong.

This is so wrong, in a way that sets off alarm bells in the back of her mind and causes dread to slip down her spine.

She knows she shouldn’t, because this will just make reality harder to accept, will just make the pain worse after.

But it’s _so close_ to what Lena hasn’t allowed herself to want all these years. It’s so true to the illusion Lena has kept locked in a box for so long because she knew it could never happen.

God, what she wouldn’t give to wake up to this every morning - spoiling Kara with her favorite things because she just wants to see Kara smile as sweetly as that, and now she can do that without worrying that she’s overstepping the boundaries of friendship. To be invited to something as beautifully mundane as brunch with her family - _her_ family, Lena’s very own - without the very real worry that someone would poison the tea. To the slight, almost unnoticeable weight of a ring on her left ring finger, and see the answering one on Kara’s.

To having Kara’s arms around her every single day, and feeling her lips on her cheek in a casual, everyday kiss - as if a kiss from Kara could ever be that.

It’s everything Lena’s ever wanted but never voiced, even in her own mind. And now it’s here, so tangible she can still feel Kara’s lips on her cheek.

But it’s not real.

A part of Lena knows that. She knows it. Trust Lena herself to create technology to draw out her own deepest desires from hiding and present it to herself in such a cruel way.

Because outside of this simulation, she can’t even look at Kara anymore without her heart tearing itself into shreds.

Kara reappears in the doorway, now dressed and looking so real and beautiful, she makes every cell in Lena’s body ache. True to form, she immediately notices something is wrong.

“Lena?” Kara asks, her voice confused.

But there’s something else in this Kara's voice, a blend of hesitation and guilt, as if she possesses an awareness of the reality outside of this simulation. As if this carefully-crafted piece of virtual reality knows that Lena hates her outside of this illusion, even as much as she loves - loves to an almost torturous degree - the lie of it. Of her.

“I-Is something wrong?” Again, that kernel of awareness, the knowing note in her voice speaks to Lena. There’s a smidgen of fear in there now too, as if she knows there’s a possibility of Lena eschewing the simulation entirely and rejecting her. VR Kara reaches out tentatively, her panicky fingers trembling as they stretch out to touch Lena.

And Lena looks at her, this simulation of Kara, a product of Lena’s own exceptional brain that will never be anything but a poor imitation of the real thing. Nothing but a lie made up by Lena to spare herself from the bigger, more hurtful lie outside.

Still, she is the lesser of two evils, and even though Lena knows it’s going to hurt more later, the temptation is too great. She’s only human, and this simulation is dangling the very thing she wants most in the world right in front of her eyes.

Lena is weak, and her weakness makes itself known in the way she smiles at this copy of Kara, in the way she takes the VR Kara’s hand, fingers threading through strong ones, twin rings glinting in the morning sunlight. The other woman smiles back in relief.

“Nothing’s wrong at all. This is perfect.”

//

_A pleasant illusion is better than a harsh reality. - Christian Nevell Bovee_


	2. A Bit of Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara enters the illusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The new episode is tomorrow. I am NOT READY!!!!!!

_ "Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead… We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces.” - Sigmund Freud _

//

“I still hate the thought of you going in there without backup.”

Kara smiles at her sister, touched by her concern. She puts a hand on Alex’s shoulder and squeezes, but her attention is on the still figure on one of the hospital beds. Lena’s eyes are eerily open, but instead of the usual sparkling jade, her irises are an unnatural blue and lacking their familiar warmth.

Her eyes are lifeless and empty, as if the Lena that Kara knows and loves isn’t in there. The thought claws at her throat with a kind of panicked desperation, and Kara has to try and calm down.

Breathe. Brainy said she was in there. They’ve been monitoring her brain activity for the past three days, and Lena is definitely still in there. She has to believe that.

“I’ll be fine, Alex. Lena, she - I know Brainy said she’d probably respond better if we don’t overwhelm her, but the truth is… _I’m_ the reason she’s like this, Alex. I have to bring her back myself.”

Alex places a hand over Kara’s and squeezes back. She doesn’t try to comfort Kara with platitudes and reassurances that it wasn’t her fault. Her sister knows that wouldn’t do any good. Instead, she just pulls Kara close for a hug.

“Be safe, let us know the second something happens and we’ll pull you out.” An extra squeeze, and Kara can feel the sincerity in Alex’s embrace. “You can do this, Kara. If anyone can bring our Lena back to us, it’s you.”

Kara nods, and Alex lets her go. She climbs into the bed next to Lena’s and looks over at her unresponsive friend. A lump lodges in her throat, so big she can barely breathe through it, and she steels herself. 

She can do this. She _will_ bring Lena back. She refuses to think of the outcome if she can’t.

With a deep breath, Kara nods at Brainy and closes her eyes. Brainy steps forward and places the electrodes on her forehead and temples. “Relax. You should be able to enter the simulation in 3… 2… 1.”

At the final count, Kara opens her eyes and finds herself in her Super suit standing in the middle of her own apartment.

Except it’s not really her apartment. She immediately notices the differences that the simulation has added to it. They’re subtle, cleverly woven into the setting as if they’re a natural part of it. Most likely to keep the simulation feeling authentic and realistic. Kara herself probably wouldn’t have picked up on it if she didn’t live in this space everyday.

There’s a grey blanket on top of Kara’s couch that’s not hers, and she seems to have added at least three new leafy dependents to her collection. She sees some clothes that aren’t hers strewn along with her own clothes all over the place. There’s a new painting hanging in her living room - and holy crap, is that an original Klimt?

So it’s not her apartment. Or at least it’s not hers _alone_. It’s pretty clear someone else is sharing this same living space. And not even just sharing. Whoever lives here with her is settled in this place. Comfortable

It’s not until Kara spies a framed photograph on the coffee table that she finds out who it is, and when she does, it knocks all the breath out of her.

It’s a photograph of Kara and Lena, but it’s not just any photograph. Lena is wearing a white dress and a lace veil, and she’s clutching a bouquet of flowers in her hands. 

She’s smiling.

Lena’s smiling in the photograph, and it’s not her press smile, but the sincere, heartfelt smile that Kara loves so much -- the one that means that Lena is happy in that deep-down way that she so rarely is, in that quiet, radiant way that makes the smile bloom across her face.

And Kara has to choke back a sob as she touches the photo with trembling fingers, because she hasn’t seen that smile in so long and Rao, she misses it so much.

Kara’s smiling too, in the picture. Her arms are wrapped around Lena, the grin on her own face so wide and glowing, it could have powered the sun. Is this the way she always looks at Lena?

The identical wedding rings on their fingers shine even in the photo, and Kara’s own hands tingle, as if now aware of an absence on her left ring finger.

Kara studies the photograph, all but devouring it with her eyes. She can’t blame Lena for falling for this simulation. Kara knows the photo isn’t real, knows it cerebrally. This never happened, she and Lena never got married, the possibility of it never even approached reality. 

But….. It feels so _real_, so natural that it calls to something inside of Kara, pulls something - something silent and unrecognized, buried deep within her - to the surface.

The sound of a low laugh from deep within the apartment pulls Kara’s attention away from the photo and reminds her that this is a simulation, and she has a mission to complete. 

Bring Lena back.

She hears the sound of voices, too low and muffled for her to understand the words, and she follows them to the bedroom, stepping carefully to keep her boots from making any sound over the hardwood floors.

The bedroom door is open a crack, and Kara leans closer to see through it. Her eyes widen as she peers through the crack. Her breath catches in her throat.

The lights are dim, but she can clearly see Lena on the bed. But this Lena isn’t silent and unresponsive like the empty shell of her friend that she left behind in that hospital bed.

This Lena lies languidly on her stomach - very clearly naked - on silk sheets that are too expensive to be Kara’s, even if that bed is definitely hers. Dark hair tousled and tossed over one pale freckled shoulder, this Lena is idly propped up on her elbows, eyes closed with a soft sigh passing her parted lips.

The sight stops Kara in her tracks, and she doesn’t see Lena’s companion until she shifts into view, fingers trailing up Lena’s spine. Heat suffuses Kara’s entire body as she sees a simulation of herself, identical to her in almost every way, slide up the bed behind Lena, head dipping down to press a kiss between Lena’s shoulder blades.

Kara can feel her heart thudding, fast and erratic, under her suit as she stares at the sight of her blonde curls draped over Lena’s back, of her own fingertips raking thin red lines over Lena’s skin. Lena sighs again, and her eyes open, dark and heavy-lidded, and the gaze she sends this simulation of Kara is nothing short of scorching.

She probably shouldn’t have been surprised, after all, she and Lena are married in this scenario. But it’s an entirely different thing, seeing it in actuality. Kara can feel a number of different, confusing things simmering inside her - not the least of which is the desire to pull simulation Kara off of Lena and make sure she never touches Lena again, because she’s nothing but a copy of the real thing.

And yet the simulation gets to touch Lena, lie next to her in bed and make her sigh so prettily, and the real Kara can’t.

She’ll later give the others a different reason for opening that door, and she’ll never tell anyone of the irrational jealousy bubbling under her skin at the sight of the other Kara kissing Lena, but only Kara will know why she pushes open her own bedroom door, her eyes burning so hot she’s afraid she’ll activate her heat vision.

“Supergirl?” Lena gasps, and immediately sits up, bringing the sheets with her to cover herself. “What are you doing here?”

The other Kara immediately moves between her and Lena, and Kara glares at her. “Step aside, I’m taking Lena back with me.”

The simulation Kara wraps one arm around Lena’s waist and moves her so that she’s standing behind her. “She’s not going anywhere.”

“What’s going on?” Lena’s voice is harsh with confusion, even as she struggles to keep it even. “Why are you here, Supergirl?!”

Kara steps forward, hands reaching out to placate and comfort her friend, but the other Kara steps them both back. 

“Your virtual reality program, Lena. It developed a virus that’s taking over people’s minds. This simulation,” Kara points at her copy, still trying to keep Lena back, “is keeping you inside the program to control your thoughts. You’ve been in a coma for a week. I came here so we could go back together.”

Lena scoffs, her fingers wrapping around the other Kara’s arm shielding her. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, Supergirl, but my wife is not a virus. Kara is not a simulation, and I don’t appreciate you barging into our home like this.”

“Lena…” Kara feels a frisson of dread slip down her spine. She’s beginning to realize what’s really keeping Lena here. “She’s not Kara…. I am.”

Lena’s eyes narrow, and for a moment, everything around them - the bed, the walls, even the other Kara - ripples, glitching like momentary static on a screen. It’s gone after a millisecond, and everything returns to normal. “You’re insane, Supergirl.”

But Kara has seen her opportunity. The opportunity to convince Lena. And finally, the opportunity to take back the choice that was taken from her by Lex Luthor, and the chance to give Lena the truth she deserved.

“I’m not, Lena.” Kara takes a deep breath and meets Lena’s eyes. Rao, she’s missed her so much. “I’m Kara. I’m Supergirl, and I’m your Kara too. And I’m sorry. Rao, I am _so sorry_ that I never told you. I could tell you a thousand reasons - I wanted to protect you, I didn’t want to hurt you - and they would all be true, but it all comes down to my own selfishness.”

Kara can feel tears begin to pool in her eyes as she reaches out to Lena. “I was so selfish, Lena. You were the one important person in my life who knew me only as Kara Danvers. And it’s not because I don’t trust you, it’s because you saw me just as Kara and you liked me just for her. You loved me just for Kara Danvers - a nobody who wasn’t even a reporter then, just the lowly assistant in the button-ups who was maybe a little klutzy and always ate too many potstickers. Kara Danvers isn’t the Girl of Steel, the super-powered hero saving the world - she was the kid everyone made fun of in high school for being different, for not fitting in, who grew up into a nobody. And you loved her."

Kara's voice breaks as she meets Lena's eyes. "You saw _me_, you saw everything I could be, and you helped me grow. I wouldn’t be the same person I am now without you, Lena. I could never understand why someone as extraordinary as you could like me just for me without the superhero trappings, but it meant so much. Rao, Lena. It means _so much_ to me. And I didn’t want that to change…. But it was selfish of me, because after everything we’ve been through together, everything you’ve done for me, you deserve the truth.”

Their surroundings ripple again, stronger this time. Lena’s mouth opens and closes, but she seems incapable of speaking. Kara finally lets the tears fall down her cheeks, and she injects every ounce of honesty and sincerity she can muster into her voice.

“I never wanted to hurt you like this. I never wanted to be the reason you lost faith in people. I never meant to cause you so much pain that you felt you had to escape from it. I am so sorry, Lena, and if you’ll let me, I will do everything in my power to earn your trust again.”

Kara offers her hand, palm up, to Lena, pleading with her to bridge the distance between them. The other Kara twitches, stiffening even as she shields Lena. “She’s lying. She’s trying to trick you.”

But Kara keeps her eyes on Lena, finally seeing the moment she makes up her mind, the green gaze lighting up with cautious resolve, fingers unraveling from the copy’s arm. 

Kara is so focused on Lena that she doesn’t see the tightening of the simulation Kara’s face, or the way she darts forward like a snake striking. Kara’s arms are pinned to her sides before she can stop her, and she can hear Lena cry out _“No!”_

But before either of them can do anything, the other Kara leans in close and whispers in Kara’s ear. “_I’m_ the one she wants. Not you.”

Kara is pushed through the bedroom door with extreme force. But instead of crashing through it, there’s a moment of resistance, a breaking of surface tension, like dropping into water and sinking like a stone. Then the gut-churning sensation of being pulled rapidly through a vacuum, and Kara feels sick, in more ways than one.

When she opens her eyes again, she’s back at the DEO, with Brainy and Alex hovering over her, looking worried.

“What happened? Are you okay?”

“The scans showed that Lena’s neural activity spiked at the same time yours did, and we thought perhaps - ”

Kara practically leaps off the hospital bed and pushes past Brainy to check on Lena. She’s still quiet and unresponsive, and maybe it’s just Kara’s imagination, but the electric blue of her eyes has receded somewhat and she can see the green she loves so much.

“I’m coming back for you, Lena. We’ll get you back, and I am keeping my promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what y'all think! Or just come yell with me about tomorrow's episode cos I am ready to freak TF out!

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! There's only one other follow-up to this for now, because apparently, I'm a sucker for angst. But I might add more when season 5 rolls around (I kinda wanna see how that plays out)
> 
> Come scream with me on my SuperCorp trash blog [@missluthorwillseeyounow](https://missluthorwillseeyounow.tumblr.com/)  
or my main [@sorrowsflower](https://sorrowsflower.tumblr.com/)


End file.
